Having a conversation about they/them pronouns with your parents can be challenging, especially if they have not heard of them or have misconceptions about gender identity. However, open, honest, and respectful communication is key to building understanding and fostering a supportive relationship.
It's important to remember that everyone's experience of gender is unique, and using they/them pronouns is a way for people to express their authentic selves. By respecting someone's pronouns, you are showing respect for their identity and affirming their existence.
To help you navigate this conversation and answer any questions your parents may have, here's a guide to explaining they/them pronouns and addressing common concerns.
How to Explain They/Them Pronouns to Parents
Open, honest, and respectful communication is key to building understanding and fostering a supportive relationship.
- Use simple language.
- Emphasize individuality.
- Explain gender as a spectrum.
- Correct misconceptions.
- Address concerns.
- Be patient.
- Offer resources.
- Show support.
- Lead by example.
- Be an ally.
Remember that everyone's experience of gender is unique, and using they/them pronouns is a way for people to express their authentic selves. By respecting someone's pronouns, you are showing respect for their identity and affirming their existence.
Use simple language.
When explaining they/them pronouns to your parents, it's important to use simple and straightforward language that they can easily understand. Avoid using jargon or technical terms that they may not be familiar with.
- Define pronouns.
Start by explaining what pronouns are and how they are used in everyday speech. You can say something like, "Pronouns are words that we use to refer to people instead of their names. For example, we might say 'he' or 'she' to refer to someone, or 'they' to refer to a group of people."
- Explain singular they.
Once your parents understand what pronouns are, you can explain that they/them pronouns can be used to refer to a single person, not just a group of people. You can say something like, "They/them pronouns are also used when someone doesn't identify as male or female, or when we don't know someone's gender. In these cases, using they/them pronouns is a way of respecting someone's identity and showing that we value them."
- Give examples.
To help your parents understand how they/them pronouns are used in practice, you can give them some examples. For instance, you could say, "Instead of saying 'He went to the store,' we would say 'They went to the store.' Or, instead of saying 'She is a doctor,' we would say 'They are a doctor.'"
- Be patient.
It's important to be patient when explaining they/them pronouns to your parents. They may not understand right away, or they may have questions or concerns. Be willing to answer their questions and address their concerns in a respectful and understanding manner.
By using simple language and providing clear examples, you can help your parents understand they/them pronouns and why it's important to use them correctly.
Emphasize individuality.
One of the most important things to emphasize when explaining they/them pronouns to your parents is that everyone's experience of gender is unique. No two people experience gender in exactly the same way, and that's perfectly okay. Some people identify as male, some identify as female, some identify as both or neither, and some people's gender identity falls outside of these binary categories.
Using they/them pronouns for someone who does not identify as male or female is a way of respecting their individuality and recognizing that their gender identity is valid. It also allows them to feel seen and valued for who they truly are.
You can emphasize individuality by talking to your parents about the diversity of gender identities that exist. You can share stories of people who identify as non-binary or genderqueer, or you can talk about the history of genderqueer and transgender people. By doing this, you can help your parents understand that there is no one right way to be gendered, and that they/them pronouns are simply a way of respecting someone's unique identity.
You can also emphasize individuality by talking to your parents about the importance of respecting people's pronouns. Explain to them that using someone's correct pronouns is a way of showing respect for their identity and affirming their existence. It's also a way of creating a more inclusive and welcoming environment for everyone.
By emphasizing individuality and the importance of respecting people's pronouns, you can help your parents understand why it's important to use they/them pronouns for people who do not identify as male or female.
Explain gender as a spectrum.
One helpful way to explain they/them pronouns to your parents is to talk about gender as a spectrum. A gender spectrum is a way of understanding gender as a range of identities that exist between and beyond the traditional categories of male and female. This means that there is not just one way to be male or female, and that people's gender identities can fall anywhere along the spectrum.
Some people identify as male, some identify as female, some identify as both or neither, and some people's gender identity falls outside of these binary categories. There is no right or wrong way to identify, and everyone's gender identity is valid.
Using they/them pronouns for someone who does not identify as male or female is a way of respecting their gender identity and acknowledging that it falls outside of the traditional binary. It also allows them to feel seen and valued for who they truly are.
You can explain the gender spectrum to your parents by using examples. For instance, you could talk about how some people feel like they are both male and female, or how some people feel like their gender identity changes over time. You could also talk about the different ways that people express their gender, such as through their clothing, their hairstyle, or their mannerisms.
By explaining gender as a spectrum, you can help your parents understand that there is no one right way to be gendered, and that they/them pronouns are simply a way of respecting someone's unique identity.
Correct misconceptions.
When explaining they/them pronouns to your parents, it's important to be prepared to correct any misconceptions they may have about gender identity and pronoun usage.
- Misconception: They/them pronouns are only for non-binary people.
Correction: They/them pronouns can be used for anyone who does not identify as exclusively male or female. This includes non-binary people, genderqueer people, and people who are questioning their gender identity.
- Misconception: Using they/them pronouns is grammatically incorrect.
Correction: They/them pronouns have been used in the English language for centuries, and they are grammatically correct when used to refer to a single person. For example, we might say, "The student left their backpack in the classroom." or "The doctor asked their patient how they were feeling."
- Misconception: Using they/them pronouns is confusing.
Correction: Using they/them pronouns is not confusing once you get used to it. In fact, it can be more confusing to use he/she pronouns when you don't know someone's gender identity. For example, if you meet someone new and you're not sure if they are male or female, you might use they/them pronouns until you learn more about their gender identity.
- Misconception: People who use they/them pronouns are attention-seeking.
Correction: People who use they/them pronouns are simply expressing their authentic selves. Using they/them pronouns is not about attention-seeking; it's about respecting someone's identity and affirming their existence.
By correcting misconceptions about they/them pronouns, you can help your parents understand why it's important to use them correctly.
Address concerns.
Once you have explained they/them pronouns to your parents and corrected any misconceptions they may have, they may still have some concerns. It's important to address these concerns in a respectful and understanding manner.
One common concern that parents have is that using they/them pronouns will confuse their child or make it difficult for them to learn grammar. However, research has shown that children are perfectly capable of learning and using they/them pronouns correctly. In fact, children who are exposed to they/them pronouns at a young age are more likely to be accepting of gender diversity.
Another concern that parents may have is that using they/them pronouns will encourage their child to identify as non-binary or transgender. However, this is not the case. Using they/them pronouns simply allows a child to express their gender identity authentically, regardless of what that identity is.
If your parents are concerned about the social implications of using they/them pronouns, you can explain to them that using they/them pronouns is becoming increasingly common and accepted. Many schools, workplaces, and organizations now have policies in place to support the use of they/them pronouns.
By addressing your parents' concerns in a respectful and understanding manner, you can help them to become more supportive of your child's gender identity and pronoun usage.
Be patient.
It's important to be patient when explaining they/them pronouns to your parents. They may not understand right away, or they may have questions or concerns. Be willing to answer their questions and address their concerns in a respectful and understanding manner.
- Be willing to repeat yourself.
It may take some time for your parents to get used to using they/them pronouns. Be willing to repeat yourself and explain the concept of gender identity and pronoun usage as many times as needed.
- Don't get discouraged.
If your parents don't understand right away, don't get discouraged. Just keep being patient and respectful, and eventually they will come around.
- Be a role model.
One of the best ways to teach your parents about they/them pronouns is to be a role model. Use they/them pronouns correctly in your own speech, and encourage your friends and family to do the same.
- Celebrate progress.
As your parents start to become more comfortable with using they/them pronouns, celebrate their progress. Thank them for their efforts, and let them know how much you appreciate their support.
By being patient and understanding, you can help your parents to learn about they/them pronouns and become more supportive of your child's gender identity and pronoun usage.
Offer resources.
In addition to providing information and addressing concerns, you can also offer your parents resources to help them learn more about they/them pronouns and gender identity. Here are a few resources that you can share with them:
- The Human Rights Campaign: https://www.hrc.org/resources/pronouns
- The National Center for Transgender Equality: https://transequality.org/issues/resources/understanding-non-binary-people
- The Trevor Project: https://www.thetrevorproject.org/resources/article/understanding-gender-identity-and-expression
- GLAAD: https://www.glaad.org/transgender/allies
These resources provide comprehensive information on gender identity, pronoun usage, and how to be an ally to transgender and non-binary people. Your parents can learn more about the experiences of transgender and non-binary people, and how to support their child's gender identity and pronoun usage.
You can also offer your parents resources specific to your child's school or community. For example, if your child's school has a GSA (Gender and Sexuality Alliance), you can share information about the GSA with your parents. Or, if there are local support groups for transgender and non-binary people, you can share information about these groups with your parents.
By offering your parents resources, you can help them to learn more about they/them pronouns and gender identity, and to become more supportive of your child's gender identity and pronoun usage.
Show support.
One of the most important things you can do to support your child is to show them that you love and accept them for who they are, regardless of their gender identity or pronoun usage.
- Use their correct name and pronouns.
One of the most important ways to show your support is to use your child's correct name and pronouns. This means using their chosen name, even if it's different from the name they were assigned at birth. It also means using their correct pronouns, even if they are different from the pronouns you might have used for them in the past.
- Be an active listener.
Another way to show your support is to be an active listener. This means listening to your child's experiences and feelings without judgment. It also means asking questions and trying to understand their perspective.
- Validate their feelings.
It's important to validate your child's feelings, even if you don't agree with them. This means acknowledging their feelings and letting them know that they are valid. It also means avoiding dismissive or invalidating comments.
- Educate yourself and others.
One of the best ways to show your support is to educate yourself and others about gender identity and pronoun usage. This means learning about the different ways that people experience gender, and why it's important to use people's correct names and pronouns. You can also educate others by talking to your friends, family, and community members about gender identity and pronoun usage.
By showing your support, you can create a safe and affirming environment for your child. This will help them to feel loved and accepted for who they are, and it will also help them to thrive.
Lead by example.
One of the best ways to teach your parents about they/them pronouns and gender identity is to lead by example. This means using they/them pronouns correctly in your own speech, and encouraging your friends and family to do the same.
- Use they/them pronouns correctly.
When you are talking about someone who uses they/them pronouns, always use their correct pronouns. This means using they/them pronouns even when you are talking to someone else about that person. For example, you might say, "I spoke to Alex the other day. They told me about their new job." or "I'm going to the park with Sam and Alex. They're bringing their dog."
- Ask people their pronouns.
If you are not sure what someone's pronouns are, ask them. It's perfectly acceptable to say, "What are your pronouns?" or "How do you prefer to be addressed?"
- Correct others when they use incorrect pronouns.
If you hear someone using incorrect pronouns for someone else, gently correct them. You can say something like, "Actually, Alex uses they/them pronouns. Please use they/them pronouns when you are talking about them." or "Sam and Alex prefer to be addressed as 'they.'"
- Be an ally to transgender and non-binary people.
One of the best ways to lead by example is to be an ally to transgender and non-binary people. This means speaking out against discrimination and violence against transgender and non-binary people, and supporting policies that protect their rights.
By leading by example, you can help to create a more inclusive and supportive environment for transgender and non-binary people. You can also help your parents to learn about they/them pronouns and gender identity, and to become more supportive of your child's gender identity and pronoun usage.
Be an ally.
One of the best ways to support your child and create a more inclusive and supportive environment for transgender and non-binary people is to be an ally. Here are a few things you can do to be an ally:
Educate yourself and others.
Learn about gender identity, pronoun usage, and the experiences of transgender and non-binary people. Share your knowledge with others and help to dispel myths and misconceptions about gender identity.
Use inclusive language.
Use gender-neutral language whenever possible, and avoid making assumptions about someone's gender based on their appearance or name. For example, instead of saying "ladies and gentlemen," you could say "everyone." Or, instead of saying "he or she," you could say "they."
Respect people's pronouns.
Always use people's correct pronouns, even if they are different from the pronouns you might have used for them in the past. If you are not sure what someone's pronouns are, ask them. And, if you hear someone using incorrect pronouns for someone else, gently correct them.
Support transgender and non-binary people.
Support policies that protect the rights of transgender and non-binary people, such as laws that allow transgender people to change their legal name and gender marker on their identification documents. You can also support transgender and non-binary people by donating to organizations that provide support and services to transgender and non-binary people.
By being an ally, you can help to create a more inclusive and supportive environment for transgender and non-binary people. You can also help your child to feel loved and accepted for who they are, and you can help them to thrive.
FAQ
Here are some frequently asked questions that parents may have about they/them pronouns and gender identity:
Question 1: What are they/them pronouns?
Answer 1: They/them pronouns are gender-neutral pronouns that can be used to refer to a person whose gender identity is not exclusively male or female. They/them pronouns can also be used to refer to a person whose gender identity is fluid or non-binary.
Question 2: Why should I use they/them pronouns for my child?
Answer 2: Using they/them pronouns for your child is a way of respecting their gender identity and affirming their existence. It also helps to create a more inclusive and supportive environment for your child.
Question 3: How do I use they/them pronouns correctly?
Answer 3: They/them pronouns are used in the same way as he/she pronouns. For example, you would say "They went to the store" instead of "He went to the store" or "She went to the store." You would also say "I saw them yesterday" instead of "I saw him yesterday" or "I saw her yesterday."
Question 4: What if I make a mistake and use the wrong pronouns?
Answer 4: Everyone makes mistakes. If you accidentally use the wrong pronouns for your child, simply apologize and use the correct pronouns moving forward. It's important to show your child that you are trying to be respectful of their gender identity.
Question 5: How can I support my child if they are transgender or non-binary?
Answer 5: The most important thing you can do is to be supportive and loving. Let your child know that you accept them for who they are, regardless of their gender identity. You can also support your child by using their correct name and pronouns, and by educating yourself about gender identity and transition.
Question 6: Where can I learn more about they/them pronouns and gender identity?
Answer 6: There are many resources available to help you learn more about they/them pronouns and gender identity. Some helpful resources include the Human Rights Campaign, the National Center for Transgender Equality, and GLAAD.
Closing Paragraph for FAQ: Remember, using they/them pronouns for someone who does not identify as male or female is a way of respecting their individuality and recognizing that their gender identity is valid. By being supportive and using your child's correct pronouns, you can help to create a safe and affirming environment for your child.
In addition to the information provided in the FAQ, here are some additional tips for parents who want to support their child's gender identity and pronoun usage:
Tips
Here are a few practical tips for parents who want to support their child's gender identity and pronoun usage:
Tip 1: Listen to your child.
The most important thing you can do is to listen to your child and believe them when they tell you who they are. Let your child know that you are there for them and that you will support them no matter what.
Tip 2: Use your child's correct name and pronouns.
One of the most important ways to show your child that you support them is to use their correct name and pronouns. This means using their chosen name, even if it's different from the name they were assigned at birth. It also means using their correct pronouns, even if they are different from the pronouns you might have used for them in the past.
Tip 3: Educate yourself about gender identity.
There are many resources available to help you learn more about gender identity. Some helpful resources include the Human Rights Campaign, the National Center for Transgender Equality, and GLAAD. By educating yourself, you can better understand your child's experiences and be a more supportive parent.
Tip 4: Be an advocate for your child.
There may be times when your child experiences discrimination or harassment because of their gender identity. It's important to be an advocate for your child and to speak up against discrimination and harassment. You can also advocate for your child by supporting policies that protect the rights of transgender and non-binary people.
Closing Paragraph for Tips: Remember, the most important thing you can do is to be supportive and loving. Let your child know that you accept them for who they are, regardless of their gender identity. By following these tips, you can help to create a safe and affirming environment for your child.
By following these tips and the information provided in the FAQ, you can help your child to feel loved, accepted, and supported. You can also help to create a more inclusive and supportive environment for all transgender and non-binary people.
Conclusion
As a parent, it's important to understand and respect your child's gender identity, even if it's different from what you expected. Using they/them pronouns for someone who does not identify as male or female is a way of respecting their individuality and recognizing that their gender identity is valid. By being supportive and using your child's correct pronouns, you can help to create a safe and affirming environment for your child.
Remember, the most important thing you can do is to love and accept your child for who they are. Your child's gender identity is a part of who they are, and it's something that they should be proud of. By being supportive, you can help your child to thrive and reach their full potential.
To all the parents out there who are struggling to understand and support their child's gender identity, please know that you are not alone. There are many resources available to help you, and there are many other parents who have been through the same thing. With love, understanding, and support, you can help your child to feel loved, accepted, and supported for who they are.